THE BOOK OF ARNOLD AND EVE

CHAPTER ONE

              On the fourteenth day, God came

            to take another peek into the Garden.

            "Say, Arnold," said the Lord,

            "Eve's been out there a week now.

            This can't go on forever, you know. 

            When are you going to make your move?"

            "If Eve wants to disobey you,"

            said Arnold, "That's her problem. 

            I'm staying away from that forbidden fruit."

            "But what about replenishing the earth?"

            "Look," said Arnold, "You know I can't

            follow both commandments. I've already chosen

            which one I want to obey."

            Of course, the Lord couldn't punish Arnold

            for not disobeying, and technically,

            avoiding the issue was not a crime.

            All God could say was,

            "Alright Arnold, I'm asking you one last time,

            partake of that fruit and get on with it."

            But Arnold refused.

THE BOOK OF ARNOLD AND EVE

CHAPTER TWO

            When the Lord came back in another week,

            He found Arnold in the top branches

            of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil,

            looking over the heads of the

            cherubim with their flaming swords.

            "Who are those people out there?" he asked.

            "Oh those," said the Lord. "They aren't

            people, exactly. We call them neanderthals."

            "But what happened to Eve?" asked Arnold.

            "Use a little mathematics," said God.

            "You've been in here for two weeks now,

            that's fourteen thousand years on the outside,

            she can't live forever, you know." 

            "But Lord, those people out there," said Arnold,

            "They're having a great time.

            There's music, and games, and good grief,

            there's one guy who won't leave the girls alone. 

            You said they'd be sweating and slaving."

            "Everyone needs a little compensation sometimes,"

            God shrugged. "And besides,

            you nearly put Lucifer out of business."

            "Then get him to come back and tempt me again,"

            said Arnold, but the Lord hedged. 

            "You see, that's a problem," said the Lord. 

            "I'm afraid he's rather busy right now,

            he doesn't have time to worry about you anymore." 

            "But Lord..." said Arnold. "Sorry," said the Lord,

            and returned his attentions to the other experiment,

            which in heaven they had all agreed to call Plan B. 

THE BOOK OF ARNOLD AND EVE

CHAPTER THREE

            So Arnold rigged up a hammock in the top branches

            of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil

            and lay around all day watching Plan B

            over the heads of the cherubim.

            And the moral of the story is,

            next time you get the unexplainable urge

            to listen to loud music,

            or to stay up all night playing Monopoly,

            or to make your wife dress up

            in her old cheerleader uniform,

            think of Arnold up there

            watching from his hammock

            and getting fat on forbidden fruit.

FIRST PSALM:

THE NOBODY SYSTEM

              Al Meeker finally figured out

            how to get through the final exams.

            He failed. 

THE GOSPEL

ACCORDING TO AL MEEKER

              One day, God decided to make his own quiz show,

            and invited everyone but the celebrities.

            He wrote the questions in the sky,

            and boy were they tough.

            Chris Johnson, Al Meeker and Carol Hambers

            made the finals, and got their names in the papers.

            The last question God wanted to know was,

            "What's the color of a pigeon's desire?"

            It was Al Meeker who finally answered correctly.

            He said, "It's cobalt blue, God."

            "That's right, Al," said God,

            and Al jumped up and down for joy.

            The grand prize included a trip

            to hell and back in an armored car. 

            Al Meeker seemed changed when he returned. 

            It also included a two-story home

            with its own livestock and a generator,

            all in an oxygen bubble on the moon. 

            Al Meeker was very happy

            all the rest of his life.

THE REVELATIONS OF AL MEEKER

              There was a scandal when the newspapers found out

            that God was keeping all the best prizes for Himself.

            But it quieted down when He announced

            the completion of a neutron bomb so big

            that all the world's politicians,

            journalists and theologists,

            plus their wives, could dance on its head.